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This is a lesson in procrastination   
09:33am 02/09/2010
  Another journal entry from the sick and caffeinated:

Turn the page. Another chapter comes to a close with a twist ending. Who would have known? It's not puppy love, no, it's something more intense with wild severity: junkie love. This is what I've always wanted, always needed. Are you ready for this- are you ready to be tossed into the dark blue? To lose yourself in someone so completely, so unadulterated?

My bags are packed and I am indeed quite ready. So let's go already. Time to grow up and grow old.






Whatever poison's in this bottle
will leave me broken sore and stiff,
But it's the genie at the bottom who I'm sucking at.
He owes me one last wish.


 
     
3 Votes Against Bush Free the World
 
   
07:33pm 14/05/2009
  Whatever happened to this?
Whatever happened to me?
Did I fall?
Face down?
Or did I get?
Back up?
Would you even recognize me?
Face down?
Or would you just keep walking?
 
     
Free the World
 
Episode 2: I'm spiderman bitch!   
01:55am 18/01/2008
            Fuck Ohio

                                                       

                                                  Episode 2: I’m Spiderman Bitch!

 

FADE IN:

 

EXT. HOT ‘N’ NOW- 11 am

 

A small protest is in full effect outside of the shoddy fast food joint. A group of slovenly, overweight fatties have gathered outside to protest the recent removal of a deep fried favorite, the cheese teaser. Angrily the horde of giants wave various picket signs, some reading “Bring Back The Cheese Teaser”, “I’ll Cut You”, “Please Tease Me”. One wheel barrel ridden lard-o has a sign that reads, “I’m so fat I have to be pushed around in this wheel barrel”.

 

Jimmy pulls up in his mom’s car, parks and gets out and immediately is approached by a chubby old man who’s collecting money for a charity, his collection bucket reads ‘Blow Jobs for the Obese’.

 

OLD MAN

Excuse me young man, can you spare some change for blow jobs for fatties? For every dollar you donate 25 cents goes towards oral sex for a fatty.

 

Jimmy gives the old man a funny look and then puts some change into the bucket. He takes in the protest for a moment before entering the grade E meat establishment. As he enters, another group of protesters arrive on the scene. These people consist of joggers, overly skinny health nuts, and Callista Flockhart, each baring a picket sign of their own. The signs read as follows: “Your Clothes Never Fit You”, “Pull Up Your Pants”, “Stop Getting Navel Piercings”, and “Give Us Back Tyra Banks”. Callista Flockhart’s sign says: “I’m Not Dead”.

 

The fat protesters take notice of the skinny protesters, and confront them.

 

FATTY SPAZATORI

Hey, you can’t protest us for being fat!

 

JUICE MAN

Oh yeah? Well you can’t sit comfortably in movie theaters!

 

The two colliding factions approach each other, just moments away from clashing. The fat people whom are baring picket signs all rotate their signs, except of course for the fatty in the wheel barrel, revealing new messages that are just seemingly appropriate for this confrontation. The new messages read: “Take Back Anna Nicole Smith Britney Spears”, “I’ll Still Cut You!” (or “I’ll Cut You Harder!”), “You Are Too Dead Callista Flockhart, You Can’t Fool Us”. On the back of the fatso in the wheel barrels sign reads: “Will some one please turn my wheel barrel so I can see what’s going on?”.

 

CUT TO:

 

INT. HOT ‘N’ NOW DINING ROOM- MOMENTS LATER

 

Jimmy enters and greets his comrades Baker and Ryan, both of whom are already in line eyeing down the menu, ready to order.

 

JIMMY

What’s up fella’s?

(sees his ex-girlfriend, a girl named Kyle, behind the counter)

Ew. Ex-girlfriend, ex-girlfriend, ex-girlfriend. Awkward, awkward, awkward.

(trying to cover his face with his hand, out of sight out of mind)

 

BAKER

(ordering food) Ok give me ten quadruple cheeseburgers, one large fry, a milkshake, and three cheese teasers. Make one of those with no cheese, and no pickle.

 

KYLE (the cashier)

Sorry, but we no longer carry the cheese teaser.

 

BAKER

(in a nod to Alpha Dog)

What?! That’s a joke right?

(He steps forward menacingly)

 

RYAN

(intervenes)

Whoa, whoa easy man. She just works here, it’s not her fault. Just give the girl the money.

 

KYLE

That’ll be 11 dollars even.

 

Baker produces some cash and slaps it down on the table angrily eyeing down the cashier the whole time.

 

KYLE

Sorry.

 

BAKER

(still being restrained by Ryan, pointing at the cashier)

Yeah you’re going to be sorry. I know where you work. You didn’t really think that one through did ya? I’ll see you after your shift.

 

The cashier rolls her eyes, takes the money and walks back into the kitchen.

 

TRANS INTO:

 

INT. HOT ‘N’ NOW KITCHEN- MOMENTS LATER

 

KYLE

(speaking to an overly hairy line cook that has a name tag reading ‘Fiame’)

Ok Mike, some one finally ordered a no cheese, no pickle. I got eleven bucks that says you can’t do it.

 

The manager, George Michael, approaches the cook and the cashier, his hat reads Mr. Manager.

 

GEORGE MICHAEL

What’s going on here you two?

 

KYLE

Some one finally ordered a no cheese, no pickle.

 

GEORGE MICHAEL

I see… Well I’m in I got twenty bucks on this. Let’s see you put your money where your mouth is.

 

MIKE FIAME

Ok you’re on.

 

All the employees cheer and gather around for this spectacle.

 

Mike Fiame drops his pants and delicately inserts the handle to a spatula into his ass. Carefully he backs up towards the grill where multiple burgers are sizzling away. Using a slight bending technique he flips four of the burgers. He waits for a moment and then, squinting his eyes in pain as he does so, he presses the burgers down with the spatula. Next he puts each burger patty on a bun that is laid out on a near by counter. He shakes the spatula free from his ass and then, still bare assed mind you, he hoists himself up onto the counter knocking over two condiment bottles using his weight to squirt their contents sloppily onto the burger and bun. Finally he applies a crafty pinching technique with his ass cheeks to the top of the bun and lays in down across the burger completing it, though his ass seemingly consumes a quarter of the bun in the process.

 

MIKE FIAME

(throws his arms up into the air victoriously)

I am God like!

(to Kyle and the Manager)

Now pay up.

 

They do so as other employees wrap the burger and finish the order. Mike Fiame slaps a ‘Very Special’ sticker on the burger.

 

TRANS INTO:

 

INT. HOT ‘N’ NOW DINING ROOM- 11:30 a.m.

 

Kyle comes out carrying a tray of food.

 

KYLE

(smirking)

Enjoy!

 

They take the food and begin heading towards a table when a cell phone rings obnoxiously loud.

 

RYAN

Oh that must be me!

(pulls out a shiny new cell phone)

Oh, Jimmy, did I mention I got a cell-

 

JIMMY

(cutting Ryan off)

-Yeah a new cell phone. Yeah great, excuse me I’d be a little happier for you had you not already brought it up a thousand times.

 

RYAN

(playing stupid)

Oh you’ve seen it then.

 

JIMMY

Yeah you took a picture of me and you not even ten minutes ago while we were waiting for our food.

 

CUT TO:

 

A picture of Jimmy and Ryan: Ryan holding a cut out word bubble over Jimmy’s head so it looks like he’s saying “I wish I had that nice of a cell phone.”

 

CUT BACK TO:

 

INT. HOT ‘N’ NOW DINING ROOM- SECONDS LATER

 

RYAN

(looking at his phone admiringly)

That picture comes up every time you call. It’s good stuff.

 

BAKER

Yeah fucking great stuff. Now will you turn off that 15-minute alarm and quit answering it like an ass.

 

RYAN

(acting innocent)

What do you mean?

 

BAKER

(smooshes a burger against his face as if it’s a cell phone, and mocking Ryan)

RING! RING! WHOA! WHAT’S THIS?

(he is shouting and being belligerent at this point and is shaking an old man)

CHECK OUT MY NEW CELL PHONE. YEAH LOOK AT IT.

 

RYAN

(not amused)

That’s not a cell phone that’s a cheeseburger.

 

BAKER

YEAH, OH YEAH. I’M GOING TO MAKE SOME CALLS ON MY NEW CELL PHONE.

 

RYAN

(annoyed)

Put that down.

 

BAKER

I CAN TELL WHO’S CALLING ME ON MY CALLER ID… ON MY NEW CELL PHONE.

 

RYAN

That isn’t a hundred-dollar cell phone that’s a 45-cent cheeseburger.

 

BAKER
(Exaggeratingly dramatic)

I AM THE ONLY MAN ALIVE WITH A CELLULAR TELEPHONE!      

They find a table by the window and sit down. Outside the protest has turned ugly, well uglier I should say. Total carnage is taking place outside. We can visibly see two fat people double teaming a jogger, one holding the poor skinny guy in a head lock and ramming him into the other’s ass repeatedly.

 

RYAN

(finally raising his voice)

Will you stop it! That’s not a damned cell phone. Jeez what’s up your cra?

 

BAKER

So I’m getting up today right, I smoke a joint, eat a bowl of cereal, make some s’mores while I jerk off-

RYAN

(with a sudden, rising disgust)

Aw, I ate some of those s’mores!

 

BAKER

(continuing)

-and then I go to get dressed when BAM! Huge black ink splatter all over my favorite shirt.

 

JIMMY

Well doesn’t that just lick a butt. Which shirt?

 

BAKER

You know the shirt, the one with the pig fucking the mermaid on it? Yeah well I was going to wear that shirt in every episode of this cartoon, I wore it in the last episode and the one before that and everything. It was going to be my signature, you know like Homer Simpson.

 

RYAN

Dude, you are never going to be a Homer Simpson. Come on now let’s get realistic buddy. Hey you did ask for one with no cheese and no pickles right?

 

BAKER

(points at a sack of food)

Yeah it’s in there.

 

RYAN

(squints eyes and shakes his fist at Baker)

It better be.

 

Ryan finds the burger marked ‘Very Special’. Everyone begins unwrapping their sandwiches, first Jimmy, then Baker, and finally Ryan. Baker and Jimmy’s burgers look fine.

 

RYAN

(looking at the sloppy mess in front of him)

…What the fuck man. It looks like some one put this together with their ass cheeks.

(sighs)

 

Jazzy Mike enters and takes a seat next to our heroes.

 

JAZZY MIKE

(to Jimmy)

So’d you dip into the bearded clam with that trouser snake yet?

 

JIMMY

(confused)

Huh?

 

JAZZY MIKE

Did you put it in?

 

RYAN

Nope, he still just has her smoking the penis pipe.

 

JAZZY MIKE

(a little upset)

What’s your problem man, I mean honestly how long does it take to get into a girl’s pants?

 

RYAN

(inspecting his burger)

Is this an ass hair?

 

JIMMY

Hey it’s not like I don’t want to. I haven’t had sex in a long time, but my parents are always home. Why’s it matter so much to you anyway?

 

BAKER

(to Ryan)

No way man that’s not long enough to be ass hair.

 

RYAN

What?! Yes it is! Maybe you just have freakishly long ass hair.

 

BAKER

(gasps as if he’s had some breakthrough)

It’s all coming together now!

(chews his burger thoughtfully)

 

JAZZY MIKE

(puts his arm over Jimmy’s shoulder in a brotherly sort of way)

You see Jimmy, it’s like this. I am 23 and you? You my friend are still a suckle, tender, if you will, seventeen year old. Thus, you’re more apt to nail extremely young girls with out their lousy parents considering it (makes quotations with his fingers) statutory rape. So I, sadly, am forced to live vicariously through you, and the internet. Therefor I need you to give me even the most miniscule details when it comes to your various sexcapades. That is why I bought you this.

(he produces a handheld audio tape recorder and package after package after package of unopened cassette tapes)

Don’t be stingy now!

 

JIMMY

(looks at Jazzy Mike in disbelief)

Wait. You want me to tape me and my girlfriend having sex, so you can listen to it later?

 

JAZZY MIKE

I assure you it is strictly for masturbation purposes only.

 

BAKER

(to Ryan)

That is so twisted. Man you really got to tell him.

 

JAZZY MIKE

Tell him what? What’s he got to tell me?

 

RYAN

(two steps ahead of Baker)

That they discontinued the cheese teaser!

 

JAZZY MIKE

Are you serious? That’s the only reason I come here.

 

BAKER

Fuckers!

(stands up and whips his milkshake across the lobby. It lands directly above the shaken old man startling him)

 

Ryan’s cell phone goes off again.

 

RYAN

Oh that must be me! Hey Jazzy Mike did I tell you I got a cell phone?

 

JAZZY MIKE

Oh cool what’s your number?

 

RYAN

(sincerely)

555-5555. Did you get all that?

 

JAZZY MIKE

(looks at Ryan like he’s an idiot)

Yeah. Hey do you get text messaging?

 

RYAN

Yeah totally, it costs 10 cents a message though.

 

JAZZY MIKE

You don’t mind if I?

 

RYAN

Oh no go right ahead.

 

Jazzy Mike begins texting Ryan.

 

JAZZY MIKE

(back to talking about sex with Jimmy)

You know what you should do, and, in fact, I actually insist you do this. Ok it’s called the-

(glances over at Ryan’s burger and loses concentration)

Wow, it really looks like some one put that burger together with their ass cheeks.

 

RYAN

(slightly peeved)

Yeah, great, thanks, I know.

(He wraps the burger up only three bites into it and shoves it in his pants pocket)

 

JAZZY MIKE

Ok I sent the text. Any ways what was I talking about again? Oh yeah you need to do the Spiderman to her.

 

 
     
1 Votes Against Bush Free the World
 
Episode 2: Part 2-A   
01:46am 18/01/2008
 

BAKER
What the hell’s the Spiderman?

Ryan’s phone goes off, he’s received the text message. He opens his phone and reads it.

RYAN
(to Jazzy Mike)
GASP! We swore we’d never speak of that again. We took a vow of silence.

JAZZY MIKE
(begins text messaging Ryan back, while explaining the Spiderman)
This is something your brother says he actually did to some horribly under aged girl.

 

BAKER
You’re talking about his brother Alan I assume?

 

JAZZY MIKE
Well, yeah, of course. 
(to Jimmy)
Your little brother Marvin’s gay isn’t he?

 

JIMMY

Pretty sure.

 

Ryan’s phone receives another text from Jazzy Mike. He reads it quickly.

 

RYAN

(to Jazzy Mike)

The hell if you didn’t swear to secrecy.

 

Jazzy Mike texts Ryan again.

 

BAKER

(to Ryan)

Are you serious?

 

Ryan’s phone goes off once again.

 

RYAN

(reads the text then says to Jazzy Mike)

Yes I’m aware that I can text you back responses, rather then just talking to you across the table.

 

JIMMY

You don’t know how do you?

 

JAZZY MIKE

Wait you really don’t know how to reply back to text messaging?

 

RYAN

Leave me alone, you guys have always had cell phones, but this (pulls out his phone) it’s my first one.

 

JAZZY MIKE

(grinning and texting Ryan back)

Ok, the Spiderman. You’re fucking your girlfriend right? And just before you cum, pull out squirt it into your hand then press it into her face and pull it away slowly so that it makes the baby batter look like webbing stuck between your hand and her face. It’s said to be customary to shout, “I’m Spiderman bitch!” when you do it. Like I was saying though I’ve only heard of your brother actually doing this.

 

After a moment of shocked silence from Baker, Ryan, and Jimmy, and lots of grinning and nodding on Jazzy Mike’s part, some one finally breaks the silence.

 

JIMMY

Yeah that’s not going to happen.

 

RYAN

(smirking)

Jimmy, I think you should totally do this, and you should probably videotape it for Jazzy Mike as well.

 

BAKER

(to Ryan)

No, that’s just crossing the line.

 

JAZZY MIKE

Shut up Baker! I think Ryan may, finally, be onto something here.

 

BAKER

Alright man, whatever you say.

 

RYAN

You know Jazzy Mike I think my mom has a camcorder I could probably gank from her. I’ll bring it by on my way home from Jimmy’s house.

 

JIMMY

About that… you two can’t come over tonight.

 

BAKER

What?! But Saturdays are our drinking night!

 

Through the window it becomes clear that police have arrived on the scene dressed in riot gear. In the background an angry mob of joggers are flipping a hostess snack cake truck.

 

JIMMY

I’m picking up my girlfriend in like ten minutes and we’re going back to my place…alone.

 

RYAN

But we’re coming too right?

 

JIMMY

No. Come on now, you tell me what kind of girlfriend has sex with her boyfriend in front of two of his drunken friends?

 

JAZZY MIKE

A fucking good one.

 

JIMMY

Hardly!

 

BAKER

What ever happened to ‘Bro’s before hoes’?

 

JIMMY

I never say that. You say that. Well, it’s been real.

(stands up and exits)

 

JAZZY MIKE

(shouting to Jimmy as he leaves)

Don’t forget to record it! …The under aged sex I mean. I’m counting on you!

(looks down at the table where the audio recorder and the blank tapes are still there)

Fuck!

 

RYAN

Yeah well I should be going too…don’t want to be late for that…um… prostate exam.

 

Ryan exits. Baker and Jazzy Mike sit there together in silence for a moment.

 

TRANS INTO:

 

EXT. HOT ‘N’ NOW PARKING LOT- NOONISH

 

Ryan walks outside and bumps into the cashier Kyle who is outside trying to make the best of a smoke break.

 

RYAN

Oh sorry. You know… you kind of look familiar.

 

KYLE

Yeah, Ryan, remember we worked together at Burger Joint… you trained me. And we’ve lived next store to each other since the third grade. And we sit next to each other in 5th period. Oh and I dated your best friend for like 8 months… remember you told him that I was a lying trashy tramp that would, and I quote, hop on anything with a three-inch or more protrusion?  Did you seriously not know who I was?

RYAN

Yeah I knew, I mean hell the last time I even had a good orgasm was when I was thinking about you making out with Kristina Myers.

 

KYLE

Well at least you’re honest that’s a good virtue. Wait, who told you that?!

 

RYAN

So it’s true?!

 

KYLE

What? No, of course not!

 

Ryan’s phone goes off.

 

KYLE

I didn’t know you had a cell phone, did you just get it?

 

RYAN

Oh…um no I’ve always had one.

 

KYLE

How come you never gave me your number then?

 

RYAN

You want my number?

 

KYLE

Sure, maybe we could get together some time.

 

TRANS INTO:

 

INT. HOT ‘N’NOW LOBBY- MOMENTS LATER

 

Outside we can still see Ryan and Kyle talking it up after a minute she leaves and Ryan is standing there looking impatient glancing at Baker here and there.

 

JAZZY MIKE

So I noticed Kelsey Grammar is on some new TV show.

 

BAKER

(stops eating and solemnly says)

Just when I thought the world was safe from Fraiser.

 

Ryan reenters.

 

BAKER

Hey I thought you were leaving?

 

RYAN

You drove me here you jerk!

 

BAKER

Oh yeah.

 

Moment of silence.

 

RYAN

Well are you ready yet or what.

 

BAKER

(to Jazzy Mike)

 See you later.

 

They all exit.

 

TRANS TO:

 

EXT. HOT ‘N’ NOW ENTRANCE- 12:15

 

Jazzy Mike gets into his car and drives off, meanwhile the riot continues. The following chaos ensues: four skinny people hold up a fat guy (two skinny people on each arm) as another thin fitness guru delivers sharp uppercuts to the fatties gut. Multiple cars are flipped over and set a blaze and police are launching tear gas into the mess.

 

A group of joggers approach the slob in the wheel barrel.

 

JENNY CRAIG

(pointing at the person in the wheel barrel)

Come on let’s flip this bitch.

 

It takes six or seven people heaving and hoeing to finally over turn the wheel barrel. The moment the fatty plops out of the wheel barrel a huge explosion erupts causing a close onlooker to go hurling through the window of the fast food place and sets the whole restaurant ablaze. This is caused by a gas pocket (that had been accumulating over the years underneath the fat person) being released near an open flame.

 

Our focus switches to a news anchor who is standing in front of the burning restaurant reporting details to the viewers at home.

 

NEWS ANCHOR

…And as you can see it’s taken a turn for the worst. Just moments ago rioters tipped over a severly obese man or perhaps it was a woman. It’s difficult to determine the exact sex of a really fat person, they all have huge cans regardless. Any who, when said fat person rolled out of the barrel it released a gigantic flatulence pocket which then ignited off a flipped vehicle causing a massive fire ball.

 

A super charred onlooker exits Hot ‘N’ Now through the window he was blown through.

 

NEWS ANCHOR

(continued)

Excuse me sir! Excuse me! Kip Ketterman action 37 news, 15th best new channel in the county reporting live. Sir can I get a statement from you?

 

BACON

(missing eyebrows, eye lashes, ect.)

It was horrible. I looked over and I saw several people tipping over some large looking animal perhaps a walrus or like an ogre of some sort holding a picket sign. The next thing I know I hear a loud Tupperware burp, and for a brief second I was overwhelmed by what smelled like a three week old dirty diaper that had taken a massive shit in a pickle jar and then thrown it at a group of homeless people. And then…then came the fire, and all of a sudden I was sitting down inside the restaurant charred to a crisp.

Pan out to Jimmy’s living room, where the Wife is watching the chaos on the TV.

 

 
     
Free the World
 
Episode 2: Part 2   
07:26pm 17/01/2008
 

CUT TO:

 

INT. THE LIVING ROOM- 1:00 p.m.

 

A car starts up and takes off, The Wife rushes to the window anticipating Bob home at any minute. Through the curtains we see the tail end of Jazzy Mike’s car slipping away down the road.

 

THE WIFE

Where the hell is he?

 

TRANS INTO:

 

INT. MARVIN’S ROOM- MOMENTS LATER

 

Marvin is sitting on his bed listening to his new Carrot Top comedy CD, Proposal 1.

 

CARROT TOP

(voice emitting through the radio)

Get it? Swiss Army Knife.

 

After a mild audience reaction, Marvin blinks a few times, not even cracking a smile.

 

MARVIN

I just don’t get it.

 

Marvin sniffs the air, noting that some thing smells like it’s burning. He looks to his left and, much to his surprise, a small fire has broken out in the terrarium that houses his pet turtle, Leonardo. Dark black smoke billows out making the air thick and heavy. Marvin rushes over to the tank and can see quite visibly the charred remains of his turtle, whom, through weeks of neglect had caught fire from the heat lamp being cranked to high.

 

MARVIN

Leonardo?

(in anguish)

Leonardo! Oh God, why are you on fire?

 

TRANS INTO:

EXT. THE PORCH- MOMENTS AGO

 

Jimmy and Nikki are approaching the porch.

 

NIKKI

I can’t wait to see your cats.

 

JIMMY

(confused)

Huh? I have cats?

(realizing his lie from the last episode)

Oh! Yeah, those cats. Oh I have so many cats. Yeah but uh, they’re at the vet today.

 

NIKKI

(disappointed, and biting her lip)

All thirteen of them?

 

JIMMY

Yeah we’re getting them fixed.

 

NIKKI

All of them at once?

 

JIMMY

Yeah, we had to. With having so many it was a regular cat orgy.

(noting her disappointment)

I think my little brother has a salamander or like-

 

TRANS INTO:

 

INT. LIVING ROOM- A HALF A SECOND LATER

 

JIMMY

(continues as he and Nikki walk in the door)

-Or like a-.

 

MARVIN

(shouting from the other room)

HOW’S A TURTLE CATCH ON FIRE ANYWAYS? SOME ONE PLEASE HELP, THERE’S STILL TIME TO SAVE HIM!

 

NIKKI

Did he just say that his turtle’s on fire?

 

JIMMY

(responds quickly than looks towards Marvin’s room concerned)

No.

 

NIKKI

What’s that smell?

 

The Wife had relocated to the kitchen and upon hearing voices she peeks her head from around the corner anticipating her husband Bob to have arrived.

 

THE WIFE

(to Jimmy)

Oh it’s just you. I’ve been waiting for your father to come home for what seems like forever. He’s five and half-hours late from coming home from work.

 

JIMMY

Getting worried?

 

THE WIFE

Getting angry.

(acknowledging Nikki)

Who’s this?

 

Through the front window we see Baker’s van pull up into the driveway, he kills the headlights and then parks.

 

JIMMY

Oh yeah, of course. Mom this is Nikki, Nikki this is my mother.

 

NIKKI

It’s nice to meet you.

 

THE WIFE

(delivers a fake smile)

Yeah…

(to Jimmy)

A little less slutty than normal. Dinners in twenty.

(she disappears back into the kitchen)

 

MARVIN

(still shouting from the other room)

WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?! WHY COULDN’T YOU HAVE TAKEN GRANDPA, OR THAT MEAN DYING BOY FROM ACROSS THE ROAD?

 

NIKKI

(looks bewildered)

Huh? What’d he say?

 

JIMMY

Nothing. Let’s go downstairs to my room.

 

Jimmy leads her by the hand into the kitchen.

 

CUT TO:

 

EXT. JIMMY’S DRIVEWAY- AFTERNOON

 

Baker’s van sits in the driveway and a faint glowing light emits from the windows.

 

TRANS INTO:

 

INT. BAKER’S VAN- AFTERNOON

 

Ryan and Baker sit in the back of the van, perhaps each on a bean bag, watching Meet the Parents on a portable DVD player.

 

RYAN

(drinking a beer)

This is lame! I can’t believe Jimmy just blew us off tonight so he could get blown off tonight. We should be inside there right now, we’re basically part of the furniture.

 

BAKER

And I can’t believe we are playing a drinking game by predicting plot twists in Ben Stiller movies.

 

RYAN

Hey you’re getting drunk aren’t you?

 

BAKER

I’m wasted!

 

RYAN

Alright then, don’t complain.

 

BAKER

What do you mean don’t complain? The fact of the matter is we are still watching a Ben Stiller movie.

 

RYAN

(pointing at the screen)

Look! Look! He’s milking the cat, take a shot.

 

Baker takes a shot of vodka.

 

RYAN

This is boring, we should be inside playing Mortal Kombat tennis right now.

 

BAKER

I don’t know about that game any more, since you unlocked Goro it’s been rather one sided. Besides-

 

PAN TO:

 

EXT. JIMMY’S DRIVEWAY- AFTERNOON

 

We switch to an angle showing Baker’s van outside of Jimmy’s house as Baker finishes his dialogue.

 

BAKER

(continues)

-we don’t need to be at Jimmy’s house to have fun or hang out do we?

 

RYAN

Shit no we don’t!

 

Bob’s station wagon pulls up into the driveway and parks next to the van. Bob gets out of the car looking very much bug-eyed and on edge. He lights up a cigarette.

 

RYAN

You’d bang her wouldn’t you?

 

Bob recognizing the voice from the van approaches it.

 

TRANS INTO:

 

INT. BAKER’S VAN- AFTERNOON

 

BAKER

I don’t know… well yeah I’d probably lay a hurting to Barbara Striesand’s vag.

 

RYAN

(taken back, looking disgusted)

Dude.

 

The van door flies open and Bob head pops into the vehicle.

 

BOB

What the hell are you two chuckle fucks doing in my driveway?

 

BAKER

You know, just a- well, hanging out..

 

BOB

In my driveway? Isn’t there some other place that morons gather in masses? Do you really have no where better to be than hanging out in a van in someone else’s driveway?

(Bob has already finished his cigarette and shakily lights another one)

 

RYAN

Shit yeah we do, we have plenty of places to be.

 

BAKER

Yeah we could go hang out with Vagina Dave right this instance.

 

BOB

Vagina Dave?

 

BAKER

Yeah Vagina Dave.

 

BOB

I’m not going to ask.

 

Bob shuts the van door, and the two friends continue watching a horrible movie. Seconds later the door flings open again, and once more Bob is present.

 

BOB

I thought I was being fairly clear, but I guess I highly overestimated your combined level of comprehension. You see what I got out of our conversation, just moments ago, was that we, as a group, had come to the conclusion that you two idiots were going to leave my house-

(Bob suddenly recognizes some one on the portable DVD player)

Is that? Are you watching a Ben Stiller movie?

 

BAKER

It’s not what you think!

 

BOB

(getting angry)

No that’s it, no need to be nice now!

 

RYAN

Nice?

 

BOB

Go! Now!

 

RYAN

Bob, you don’t understand we were just playing a drinking game!

 

BOB

There’s no excuse for watching a Ben Stiller movie!

 

BAKER

(to Ryan)

Told you.

 

BOB

Leave!

 

TRANS INTO:

 

EXT. JIMMY’S DRIVEWAY-AFTERNOON

 

Bob shuts the van door once more. The van starts up, headlights turn on, and the vehicle starts rolling slowly out of the driveway. Bob enters the house.

 

Baker pulls up in front of the house next to a tree and cuts the lights and ignition.

 

RYAN

Are you not good to drive yet?

 

BAKER

No I’m fine to drive but where else are we going to go? Vagina Dave’s?

 

RYAN

Yeah screw Vagina Dave.

 

CUT TO:

 

INT. LIVING ROOM- AFTERNOON

 

Bob enters the house.

 

MARVIN

(still shouting from his bedroom)

THIS FIRE IS UNMANAGEABLE! WON’T SOMEBODY PUT AN END TO THIS MADNESS?!

 

Bob gives a peculiar look towards Marvin’s room, but, rather than checking out the situation he just sits down on the couch and watches TV, scratching his nose quite often.

 

ON THE TV-

 

A couple is sitting down next to each other holding hands, a sunny, grassy background rests behind them.

 

MAN

I have genital herpes. And she doesn’t.

 

WOMAN

(the smile escapes from her face)

What’d you say?

 

MAN

And we’re trying to keep it that way.

 

WOMAN

(in disbelief, she pulls her hand away from his)

You have genital herpes?

 

MAN

(ignores his worried girlfriend as if she’s not even there)

That’s why I take Vitamin C.

 

WOMAN

Vitamin C doesn’t contain herpes! Oh God that explains all those bumps on my vagina!

 

MAN

Vitamin C contains an outbreak, even before I know one’s going to happen.

 

WOMAN

No it doesn’t.

 

MAN

Yeah it does.

 

WOMAN

How do you know?

 

MAN

I ate an orange once.

 

WOMAN

(starts sobbing)

Oh god. I need to call my mother.

 

MAN

Honey? Honey? Hey, were trying to film a commercial here.

 

WOMAN

(on a cell phone)

Mom? Greg gave me herpes! I know! I know. Yes I remember what you said. You said, ‘that boy’s going to give you herpes’. Please quit saying ‘I told you so’.

 

BOB

(scratches his crotch)

Ha! Sucker!

 

The wife enters.

 

THE WIFE

Bob! Where’ve you been? You’re almost seven hours late!

 

BOB

(annoyed)

What of it? Get off my back woman, I had a rough day at work. You wouldn’t believe what I had to do today.

 

Five Hours Ago…

 

CUT TO:

 

INT. SEEDY MOTEL ROOM- 5 HOURS AGO

 

Bob is snorting a line of cocaine from in between a hooker’s boobs. Bob is only wearing boxers as he puffs away on his cigarette, noticeably a bit tweaked out.

 

BOB

(looking at the boobs)

Damn I missed some!

 

Bob produces a razor blade from a nightstand and scraps the bit of powder that remains, in the process he cuts the whore.

 

WHORE

Ouch!

 

BOB

(surprised)
I didn’t know hookers had feelings!

 

WHORE

Yeah, I’m surprised as well.

 

Someone knocks at the door, Bob stands up alarmed and rushes to the curtains to see who it is.

 

BOB

Huh?

 

He opens the door revealing a fat black prostitute.

 

BOB

Who the hell are you?

 

TIFFANY

I’m Tiffany.

(she enters the motel room)

 

BOB

(to the whore)

This is your… cute friend?

 

WHORE

What? She has a cute face!

 

BOB

(looks closely at Tiffany)

No she doesn’t!

 

Tiffany scoffs.

 

BOB

(shuts the door)

Well whatever, she’s already here now. Let’s just get on with this.

 

Bob pushes Tiffany on top of the whore and drops his boxers.

 

CUT TO:

 

INT. LIVING ROOM-AFTERNOON

 

MARVIN

(still screaming from the other room)

HOW IS A REPTILE FLAMMABLE?

 

THE WIFE

You’re going to have to tell your boss that you can’t keep pulling this crap now that Marvin is starting school tomorrow. You’re responsible for picking him up from school in the afternoon.

 

BOB

I can’t believe that little turd got expelled. Honestly I can’t stand that boy.

 

THE WIFE

You’re such an ass.

 

BOB

The little shit just sits in his room all day alone, talking to the lizard of his and watching anime for hours at a time, there’s just something unwholesome about it all. You know what we should do don’t you?

 

THE WIFE

Yeah we need to make Jimmy spend some time with him. 
 
     
Free the World
 
Episode 2: Part 3   
04:49pm 17/01/2008
 

BOB

I was going to suggest we send him off to a border school, or perhaps a nice kennel.

 

THE WIFE

(ignores Bob)

He just lacks real human interactions.

 

BOB

(ignores the wife)

Or perhaps put him up for adoption.

 

MARVIN

(from the other room)

IS THERE NO GOD?!

 

THE WIFE

(ignores Bob)

I’m going to make Jimmy spend afternoon with him.

 

BOB

I still think we should consider adoption…

(strokes chin as if he has an idea)

Or maybe some lesser form of slave labor. But what ever you want to do, it’s no skin off my ass.

 

CUT TO:

 

INT. THE BASEMENT- AFTERNOON

 

Jimmy is in the process of taking off Nikki’s panties with his teeth when he hears his father yell for him.

 

BOB

(from upstairs)

Jimmy!

 

NIKKI

(alarmed)

Who’s that?

 

JIMMY

Nikki! Fuck! My dad!

 

Nikki gasps and grabs her clothes.

 

JIMMY
Damn it… I’ll be right back, you just rev yourself up or something till I get back.

 

They kiss and Jimmy runs upstairs.

 

TRANS INTO:

 

INT. LIVING ROOM- MOMENTS LATER

 

BOB

I hope you didn’t have anything sexy or important planned tonight because guess what?

 

JIMMY

Huh?

 

BOB

Your mother has decided that you have to spend the rest of the day with your little brother.

 

JIMMY

Can’t.

 

BOB

We weren’t asking you anything.

 

THE WIFE

Take him to the park or something.

 

CUT TO:

 

INT. BAKER’S VAN- AFTERNOON

 

Baker is hitting a water bong.

 

RYAN

Screw this, I’m going inside.

 

Ryan exits the van. Baker looks up, notices Ryan is gone.

 

BAKER

Hey where’d you go?

 

Baker looks around confused and then gets out of the van himself.

 

TRANS INTO:

 

EXT. THE FRONT YARD- AFTERNOON

 

We pan to an outside view of Jimmy’s house. Ryan is walking towards the driveway, Baker close behind him. Through the window we can see Jimmy and his parents arguing.

 

CUT TO:

 

INT. LIVING ROOM- MOMENTS LATER

 

THE WIFE

You’re taking him and that’s final.

 

MARVIN

(from the other room, screaming)

JIMMY!

 

JIMMY
Damn it all!

 

Jimmy exits towards screaming Marvin.

 

TRANS INTO:

 

INT. MARVIN’S ROOM- MOMENTS LATER

 

MARVIN

(cupping his hands over his mouth and screaming as loud as he can, dramatically)

LORD YOU WOULD THINK ALL OF THESE TEARS WOULD HAVE DOUSED THIS FLAME BUT IT JUST RAGES ON OUT OF CONTROL-

 

Jimmy enters in a hurry.

 

JIMMY

(rushes over to the fire)

What the hell’s wrong with you? Why aren’t you putting this out?

 

CARROT TOP

(from the stereo)

Get it? Ha! Ear cheese! C’mon that one was funny. It took me all night to make this foam cheese block… you know what? You can all just go eat a dick. You know I could kick all of your asses!

 

VOICE

(from the stereo)

Yeah but that wouldn’t make you suck any less.

(large applause from crowd)

 

CARROT TOP

Oh yeah asshole? Well check out my shogun!

(gun shots ring out and the crowd screams)

 

MARVIN

(calms down immediately and becomes, suprisingly nonchalant as he plops back down on his bed and begins channel surfing)

I’m not like a… a firefighter or whatever.

 

Jimmy grabs a goldfish bowl, complete with a half-decayed fish that is floating upside down, and pours it over the fire.

 

JIMMY

Why can’t you just be normal?

 

MARVIN

Jeez Jimmy, you seem angry.

 

JIMMY

Damn right I’m angry, instead of getting my dick wet I have to take you to the stupid smelly park.

 

MARVIN

(gets excited)

Wait so we’re going to the park?

 

NIKKI

(screaming from downstairs)

Ahhhh! JIMMY!

 

JIMMY

Son of a bitch!

(rushes out of the room)

 

CUT TO:

 

INT. BASEMENT- AFTERNOON

 

Jimmy bounds down the stairs only to see Baker squeezing in through the basement window, Ryan has already commandeered the TV and the video game system and is sitting next to Nikki (who is in the process of getting dressed).

 

RYAN
Move over sweet tits we’re trying to play Mortal Kombat tennis. Oh I so call Goro!

 

BAKER

Oh God damn it!

(disappointed)

Come on man, no fair.

 

JIMMY

What the hell are you two doing here?

 

BAKER

Not watching a crappy Ben Stiller movie, I can tell you that much.

 

JIMMY

(to Nikki)

I am so sorry… my- my idiot friends-

 

NIKKI

It’s fine just take me home. I got to go to bed early tonight anyhow because of my road test.

 

BAKER

You can’t take a road test, you’re not 16!

 

NIKKI

I will be in five days…wait how do you know that?

 

JIMMY

C’mon let’s just go.

 

They exit.

 

Pan to the sock that Jimmy masturbated into in the first episode, a puddle of green bile lays next to it.

 

RYAN

Well I’m glad those saps left.

 

BAKER

Yeah they were kind of dragging the whole party down.

 

Ryan’s cell phone goes off.

 

RYAN

What the hell? Some one from Texas is calling me. I haven’t given anyone from Texas my number yet.

(the phone continues ringing)

I just won’t answer it, I’ll let them leave a message.

 

BAKER

You don’t know anybody from Texas.

 

RYAN

I know. That’s how I know that I haven’t given anyone from Texas my number yet. Fuck they didn’t leave a message! Should I call them back? I’m going to call them back.

(presses buttons)

Hello?

 

SAM

(in elderly southern voice)

Uh hello?

 

RYAN

Yeah hi. Someone from this number just called my phone.

 

SAM

Well um  (insert Sam’s conversation here

 

BAKER

I’m still so pissed at Hot and Now.

 

RYAN

I wonder if there’s any beer upstairs.

 

TRANS INTO

 

INT. KITCHEN- MOMENTS LATER

 

Ryan and Baker ascend the stairs.

 

BAKER

(pointing at Ryan’s pants were some ketchup from the burger that he shoved into his pocket earlier has bled through)

So what are you like on your period or some thing?

 

RYAN
Oh god damn it!

(pulls out the ass burger and slams it down on the counter) 

 

Baker grabs a permanent marker and some paper and begins scribbling. Ryan opens the fridge and grabs two beers and hands one to Baker.

 

RYAN

What the hell are you doing?

 

BAKER

Writing a complaint to Hot and Now.

 

On the paper Baker has only three words on it: I hate you. Baker puts down the marker and then grabs a near by cup and begins pouring his beer.

 

THE WIFE

(from the living room shouting at Bob)

And pack Marvin a real lunch this time not just a note that says ‘I bet you wish I packed you a lunch, homo’.

 

Bob enters the kitchen.

 

BOB

Will you shut the fuck up? (stops dead in his tracks when he sees Ryan and Baker have returned) Who let you back in? Are you drinking…my beer?

 

RYAN

(observing Baker pouring a lot of foam into a glass)

What’s the matter didn’t your dad teach you how to pour a beer?

 

BAKER

Wait. Didn’t your dad leave you and your mom because he was embarrassed by your little brother because he has Down syndrome? Oh, and because he doesn’t love you.

 

RYAN

(becomes quite real fast)

Well… yeah. But he still taught me how to pour a beer.

(begins heading for the stairs)

 

BOB

(looks at Baker, proud perhaps? To Baker.)

I hate you…

(struggles to find the right word, gestures with his hands)

…less.

 

Baker and Ryan go to exit via the basement, Baker slips through unharmed, as Ryan tries to follow Bob quickly throws his arm up in front of the doorway blocking Ryan’s escape. Bob grabs the beer from Ryan’s hand.

 

BOB

(in a low tone of voice)

If I ever catch you in my refrigerator again you’re going to wake up with shit in your pants, and teeth in your throat, you understand me?

 

RYAN

That’s one of my least favorite ways to wake up!

 

Ryan slips underneath Bob’s arm and exits into the basement.

 

BOB

(noticing the burger that had previously been in Ryan’s pocket, he opens it up and makes a disgusted face)

Christ! It looks like some one put this together with their butt!

 

Bob proceeds to make his and Marvin’s lunches, pulling two brown paper bags from a drawer. He opens one of the paper bags and then, looking to make sure no one’s coming first, he produces an eighth of cocaine from his pocket and tosses it into the bag along with some razor blades, a little black address book and a bunch of cash.

 

BOB

(to himself)

And now for Marvin…

(he grabs the ass burger, smirks and tosses it into the paper bag. He grabs the black marker from the table and goes to label the bags only to discover it is out of marker juice)

Son of a bitch!

(he tosses the marker into the garbage and puts the packed lunches into the refrigerator)

 

CUT TO:

 

EXT. THE NEIGHBOR HOOD- NEARING DUSK

 

Jimmy and Marvin are walking through the neighborhood each holding a big brown sack.

 

MARVIN

Why do we have these bags?

 

JIMMY

(ignores Marvin)

Listen Martin, this shit’s got to stop.

 

MARVIN

It’s Marvin, Jimmy.

 

JIMMY

Yeah whatever.

 

MARVIN

…and what’s got to stop?

 

JIMMY
You being a lame turd and not having any real friends.

 

MARVIN

I have friends!

 

JIMMY

Mom’s not your friend.

 

MARVIN

Oh….

(pause)

But we do hang out.

 

A cat runs by and Jimmy casually picks it up and tosses it into his sack amidst a chorus of angry cat noises.

 

JIMMY

What ever it is that you do to make people feel uncomfortable and awkward around you, just quit it ok? This could be a turning point for you, ya know? I mean no one at this school will know anything about you. No one will know that you weren’t fully potty trained till you were eight. Nobody will be there to remind you of the time the lunch lady spit in your food, it’ll be like a fresh start.

(pointing)

Hey grab that cat!

 

MARVIN

Got it!

(shoves cat into his sack)

And at least I won’t have to deal with that mean little dying boy.

 

As if on cue Cancer Boy appears hanging out of a window he hurls a water balloon at Marvin, which, in turn, explodes all over Marvin’s chest painting his shirt and the ground around him dark red.

 

MARVIN

(in shock)

What the? What is this on me… it looks like blood.

 

CANCER BOY

(hurls another balloon filled with his own blood at Marvin)

EAT CANCER FAGGOT!

 

Marvin gets hit right in the face, yelps, then takes off running down the street.

 

JIMMY

(running the opposite way , and yelling behind him to Marvin)

NOW THAT YOU AND YOUR LITTLE FRIEND ARE HAVING A WATER BALLOON FIGHT IT’S COOL IF I GO PICK UP NIKKI RIGHT?

(doesn’t even wait a second for a response)

GREAT! SEE YA LATER!

 

We follow Marvin further down the block until he finally stops by an apartment building that is very close to the road, he sees a cat run into a bush and follows after it. Snatching it up by its scruff, he carelessly hurls the cat into the bag it’s then that he gets distracted by a peculiar sight in one of the apartments. Through the apartment window a very, very morbidly obese man (Sneaky Ronald) is standing naked bent over seemingly trying to touch his toes. As Marvin is distracted by this he doesn’t notice that his bag of cats is lying in the road, nor will he notice when an 18-wheeled semi-truck drives over the bag, silencing the cats indefinitely.

 

SNEAKY RONALD

(bending down, seemingly exercising)

One… two… One…two…three…

 

Marvin gags on his own vomit, somehow managing to hold it down. Marvin turns and walks off.

 

TRANS INTO:

 

INT. SNEAKY RONALD’S LIVING ROOM- DUSK

 

We see the naked fat man from the front now and come to realize he is not reaching for his toes for exercise but rather to grab four Reese’s Pieces that are stuck between his toes. 

 

SNEAKY RONALD

One…two…three…four!

(he stands up and tosses the candy into his mouth)

Wow what a find! Now let’s see were was I? Ah yes! Pleasuring myself to anime porn whilst using crunchy peanut butter as lubricant.

 

TRANS INTO:

 

EXT. THE NEIGHBORHOOD- DUSK

 

Marvin is walking down the road dragging the sack of dead cats behind him when he notices something strange. In a nearby ditch flopping around in the mud is a bald quadriplegic guy wearing a green turtle neck and wearing a brown backpack. Next to him is a motorized wheel chair flipped upside down, it’s wheels still spinning.

 

Marvin gasps and climbs down into the ditch perhaps trying to find help? When he sees no one around he grabs the quadriplegic guy and throws him into the sack, then takes off running down the road dragging the bag behind him.

 

FADE OUT:

 

To be continued…

 

FADE IN:

 

INT. THE BASEMENT- NIGHT

 

Jazzy Mike crawls into the basement window. Baker and Ryan are passed out on the couch in a slightly homosexual position. Jazzy Mike smirks and reaches between them, sticking his arm into the couch cushion and produces the audio tape recorder. Jazzy Mike sneaks out of the basement and drives off.

 

FADE OUT

 

The End. 
 
     
Free the World
 
Episode 1: Heard it through the Grapevine Part 1(of 3)   
04:41pm 17/01/2008
 


                                                                       Fuck Ohio

                                                               Written by Eric Haxer
Cast

Jimmy…the middle son
Alan…the oldest son
Marvin…the youngest son
Bob…the father
The wife…that one’s kind of self explanatory

Episode 1: I Heard It Through the Grapevine

FADE IN:


INT. BASEMENT- 6:30am

Open to Jimmy’s room, the basement. All is dark save for the soft glow of
the television. Jimmy enters from the stairs, walks in front of the TV and
plops down on his couch/foldout bed.

JIMMY
Oh sweet a commercial for the Special Olympics!

Jimmy reaches over to his nightstand to an open container of Vaseline and
grabs a small handful then proceeds to masturbate into a sock. When he is
finished he whips the sock into a corner by the TV. Jimmy then looks at his
alarm clock, noting aloud that it is 6:48.

JIMMY
Six forty-eight? I still have to shower. Christ I’m going to be late!

ON THE TV-

ANNOUNCER
And now back to The Goonies.

Jimmy exits into the basement bathroom to take a quick shower before school.

CUT TO:

INT. MARVIN’S ROOM- 6:49am

We see Marvin through a terrarium looking at a turtle.

MARVIN
How do you like your new heat lamp Leonardo? Pretty toasty in there isn’t
it? Well Leonardo, I guess today’s the day. Maybe middle school will be
different you know? Maybe the kids won’t spit on me and call me a homo this
year.
                      (Sighs)
Guess I’ll see you later.

Marvin exits the room.

 

CUT TO:


INT. KITCHEN-7:00am

Bob enters from the basement stairs. Marvin sits at the kitchen table
pouring himself a bowl of cereal. The wife has her back turned as she
angrily makes scrambled eggs.

MARVIN
Hey dad.

BOB
I hate you Marvin.

Bob immediately walks past his over to his wife with a discontent look on
his face.

BOB
Hey wife, what’s for breakfast?

THE WIFE
Don’t you ‘hey honey” me you bastard.

BOB
I didn’t and I won’t.

Jimmy enters from the basement.

JIMMY
(to his parents)
Happy Anniversary, you two.

THE WIFE
(Sets the table, sits down and picks up a magazine and begins to read it. On
the cover is a picture of Mel Gibson and a headline that reads “Mel Gibson
hates Jews”)
Well at least some one in this house remembered, eh Bob?

BOB
(picks up the pan of eggs and walks to the table)
Eggs?
(Bob begins walking around the table putting eggs on everyone’s plate)
Now why on Earth do you think I wouldn’t remember our anniversary?
(Bob finally gets to Marvin and dumps the rest of the eggs in Marvin’s
cereal)

MARVIN
Dad!

BOB
Shut up and don’t touch me.
(sits down to eat)

Marvin gets up and begins making toast when the toast is ready he hops up on
the counter and eats it.

BOB CONT’D
Why just this morning I was thinking about our wedding.

CUT TO:

INT. PARENT’S BEDROOM- NIGHT

Bob is dreaming about his wedding and wakes up frightened and in a cold
sweat, panting heavily.  He relaxes a little bit.

BOB
Was it? Was it all a dream?

He looks over and sees his wife sleeping next to him.

BOB
Damn.

CUT TO:

INT.KITCHEN-7:10am


BOB
I even made you a gift.

THE WIFE
Really?

BOB
You know how your always whining about how we never fuck anymore?

Jimmy spits his food out, Marvin jumps off the counter and sits down again
at the table.

THE WIFE
(intrigued) Yeah?

BOB
Well I killed two birds with one stone. Check it out.
(From underneath the table he pulls out a wrapped present that looks
suspiciously like a leaf blower motor with a rubber penis attached to it.)

Everyone looks confused slash worried.

BOB CONT’D
Go on, open it up.

The wife opens the gift and it is, indeed, a gas-powered dildo. Bob throws the wife
a set of keys.

BOB CONT’D
Go on champ take it for a spin. It’s a hemmy.

The wife puts the key in and turns it and then Bob pull starts the cord, the
gas powered dildo starts up thrusting back and forth conveniently right at
Marvin’s mouth. Martin also conveniently enough, has started eating
his Lucky Charms and scrambled egg breakfast, from Bob’s viewpoint it looks
rather like Marvin is giving a blowjob. Also from Bob’s viewpoint the
settings on the gas powered dildo read “Low. Medium. High. Stun. Kill.”

*Side note every time the gas-powered dildo starts it makes a distinct and
recognizable noise. SHAZAAAM!

THE WIFE
Bob you shouldn’t have!

BOB
(distracted by how gay his son looks)
Yeah… um. Anyways this is a win-win situation. You can get plowed anytime
you want and I don’t have to have sex with you.

At the mention of the word sex Marvin begins choking on his cereal until a
bunch of cream shoots out of his nostrils, as you can imagine this doesn’t
look good from Bob’s point of view.

THE WIFE
The best of both worlds!

JIMMY
Tits on my face! It’s quarter to eight we’re going to be late! C’mon Marvin
let’s go.

Marvin sighs and they both exit.

CUT TO:

INT. GYM CLASS-MORNING

Marvin gets pelted with dodge balls and basically just takes it, flinching
and holding his arms in front of him like a little girl.

PEER #1
Hey check out the sissy!

PEER #2
Yeah he sucks worst than that kid with cancer.

A bald pale kid pops up out of nowhere, he looks very frail.

CANCER BOY
(rejoicing)
Really?!

PEER #1
(ignoring Cancer Boy, to Marvin)
Yeah you’re the new Cancer Boy!

CANCER BOY
I’m finally accepted!

(turns and spits on Marvin)

From over head a dodge ball comes whizzing down smacking the kid with cancer
right in the face instantly causing a purple bruise on his cheek.

A DISTANT VOICE
Ha ha you’ve got leukemia! I hear that’s quite painful!

A barrage of dodge balls fly into the air enough to dim the gym lights 300
style. Marvin falls down into the fetal position as the dodge balls rain
down upon him. The gym teacher’s whistle blows and the bell rings signaling
the end of the school day. From out of nowhere one rogue dodge ball flies into
the air and hits Cancer Boy in his leg causing it to bend the wrong way at
the knee so hard that he kicks himself in the face and then to collapse on the ground.

CANCER BOY
Ow! My bone marrow feels especially low today…

All the students begin filing out of the gym, Marvin walks over to Cancer
Boy to help him up.

MARVIN
Here let me help you up.

The kid with cancer hops up on his remaining leg, pushes Marvin down hard on
the floor and then, seemingly from nowhere he produces a doge ball and whips
it at Marvin point blank.

CANCER BOY
(He screams as he whips the dodge ball into Marvin’s face) Take this new
Cancer Boy!
Who do the doctors say is going to die in three months now? Ha, sucker! See
ya tomorrow sissy.

Cancer Boy turns and begins hopping away again. He makes it about 5 feet before his good leg also snaps backwards leaving him collapsed on the hard floor. Marvin gets up walks towards the door as he passes the kid with cancer he kind of stops and scratches his head appreciating the awkwardness of what just happens before he exits.

CUT TO:

INT. SCHOOL BUS ON THE WAY HOME- 3pm


Marvin sits by himself slumped over looking sad.

CUT TO:

EXT. THE NEIGBHOR HOOD- AFTER SCHOOL


Marvin can be seen through the window of a school bus, his head resting on
his hand a sad look upon his face. The bus stops and a bunch of kids, Marvin
included, get off the bus. A station wagon speeds by the kids, whom were all
about to disperse towards their respective homes, a figure leans out of the
car and yells loudly.

VOICE
MELVIN’S A FAGGOT! HAHAHAHAHA!

The station wagon drives another 15 feet before coming to a screeching halt
and pulling into a Marvin’s driveway. Bob gets out of the car and Marvin
approaches him.

MARVIN
My name’s Marvin, dad, not Melvin.

BOB
(coldly, while entering the house)
You’re not my son and don’t touch me.

Bob enters the house.

MARVIN
I am too your son!

Marvin follows suit and also enters the house.

TRANS INTO:

INT. THE HOUSE-AFTERNOON


THE WIFE picks up a magazine and begins reading. The cover shows a picture
of Mel Gibson and states “Mel Gibson chews with his mouth open!”

THE WIFE
How was high school Marvin?

MARVIN
Mom can I drop my gym class?

BOB
Your dropping PE? You are a little Nancy boy aren’t you?

THE WIFE
Bob you’re such an ass!

MARVIN
The other kids just make fun of me and call me Cancer Boy.

THE WIFE
Of course you can drop gym honey, I’ll write you a note.

BOB
He gets this kind of behavior from your brother, you know this right?
Sissies.

Bob exits.

Jimmy enters and we follow him, he heads down stairs to his basement room.
As he descends the stair the atmosphere begins getting smoky. In the
basement sitting on a sofa smoking pot are Jimmy’s two friends Ryan and
Baker. As Jimmy enters this scene comes into play: his two friends are
stoned and looking at Jimmy’s sock trying to decipher what a white stain
looks like, as if they were ink splatters.

BAKER
I can see the butterfly, but I just don’t see a clown.

RYAN
Turn your head.

BAKER
I’m turning my head. I just can’t see it. I kind of see Rosie O’Donnell
though.

RYAN
What?!  (tilts head) Oh yup, yeah I can see that.

JIMMY
What the hell are you guys doing?

RYAN
Check out this stain it kind of looks like a fat lesbian.

JIMMY
Give me that (grabs sock from Ryan and tosses the sock aside)! And give me
that (Jimmy grabs the bowl from Baker and hits it).

Somewhere upstairs a door opens and closes, moments later Jazzy Mike enters
the basement looking very annoyed. He kicks off his shoes and without saying
a word, takes his pants off and throws them randomly behind him where they
land on Ryan. Jazzy Mike sits down on the couch. Jimmy exhales the smoke and
passes Jazzy Mike the bowl, looking oh so confused, and awaiting a response.
Jazzy Mike hits the bowl a few times and picks up the TV remote and begins
flipping channels still not saying one word.

BAKER

(breaking the ice)
So… how was work?

JAZZY MIKE
(angrily)
They need to stop hiring slow people is how work was. First they hire all these Mexicans, and then the paranoid schizophrenic guy, and then that troll
looking girl with the hearing aid and a speech impediment, well on second
thought, I’d still probably fuck her. But this new guy kills it. I mean what
is his problem anyhow? He just talks all damned day to anything and anyone who makes the slightest bit of eye contact with him. I’m getting fairly sick of looking at the ground to avoid being targeted. Normally I just do a little nod, a little grin,
say ‘yeah’ a few times and walk off, but that’s a near impossible feat with
my dick in my hand and a steady stream of piss spurting out of it. And you
know what? How dare he break that unspoken code to not talk to someone at
the urinals, who does he think he is, Jesus?

JIMMY
Wasn’t that one of the commandments?

JAZZY MIKE
Could he seriously not wait till I was washing my hands, or perhaps even
initiate some loud casual conversation as I used the hand drying thingy?
Nope! Instead that dink just pisses next to me and starts talking about smegma.

BAKER
Hey why aren’t you wearing pants?
 
 
     
Free the World
 
Episode 1 Part 2   
04:40pm 17/01/2008
 

CUT TO:

INT. BULL’S EYE SHOPING CENTER’S MEN’S RESTROOM-AFTERNOON

Jazzy Mike enters the restroom and heads straight for the urinals. Another
employee enters shortly after, his name tag reads ‘Joe’. Joe’s a bit taller
than Jazzy Mike and looks like a thinner version of Will Ferrell, if Will
Ferrell was a little slow. He stands next to Jazzy Mike and starts pissing.
After two or three seconds Joe turns and stars at Jazzy Mike and begins to
talk. (Insert dialogue).

Jazzy Mike is taken by surprise, thus he pisses all over himself and a
little bit on Joe’s pant leg. Angrily Jazzy Mike turns and exits the
restroom.

JAZZY MIKE
What’s wrong with you?!

JOE
(looks down at his recently soaked pants)
Did I- Oh not again!

CUT TO:

INT. BASEMENT- AFTERNOON

Ryan lifts Jazzy Mike’s pants up off of his lap and sniffs them. Jazzy Mike
lights up a cigarette.

JIMMY
So Mike, are you still seeing that older chick?

JAZZY MIKE
Actually, no. She decided to divorce her husband and you know, like, leave
him for me. Needless to say that was kind of a turn off.

JIMMY
How do you mean?

JAZZY MIKE
It’s not like she was uber attractive or anything you know, I was only
interested in her because she has a spouse and kids. I want to find a black
chick next.

JIMMY
I saw this hot girl today-

BAKER
Was it your mom?

Jazzy Mike and Baker high-five

JIMMY
-at school, dick. She’s absolutely beautiful, she’s looks really young
though.

JAZZY MIKE
I fail to see a problem.

RYAN
You know what they say, if there’s grass on the field…

JAZZY MIKE
Yeah, and if there isn’t, that’s ok too, you just bunt here and there and make your way around the bases.

JIMMY
When I went to my locker today I saw her. She’s short, has brown hair,
piercings, and she was wearing a skirt. When she bent over I saw that she
wasn’t wearing underwear, and I fell in love. She had the most charming
vagina.

BAKER
Nice.

RYAN
Sounds like a slut.

JIMMY
(dreamily) Yeah…

CUT TO:

INT. MARVIN’S ROOM- NIGHT


Marvin addresses his pet turtle, who, noticeably has less water in his tank.

MARVIN
Well Leonardo school’s still horrible, but at least tomorrow there won’t be
dodge balls. .

Marvin turns the light off and the TV on and lays down to go to sleep. When
Marvin turns off his light at night Leonardo’s tank’s heat lamp is so bright
it still illuminates the whole room.

ON THE TV-

HOST
Entertain Me Tonight brings you the first sneak peak at the upcoming Jake
Gyllenhaal movie, Kazaam!. Jake will play a 7-foot tall, 300+ pound
basketball-playing black genie in this remake of the cult classic 1993
Shaquille O’niel movie of the same name.

GYLLENHALL
(covered in brown face paint, with a goatee) This was the role I was born to
play.

MARVIN
Awesome!

FADE TO:

INT. MARVIN’S ENGLISH CLASS- MORNING


MR. BROWN
Ok class, today we start our presentations on foreign countries. Phil we’ll
start with you.

A student comes to the front of the class and the teacher turns the lights
off and sits in the front row of desks with some papers to grade.

PHIL
The country I chose to do my report on is Great Britain. Great Britain,
otherwise known as England, is a monarchy. This means that Britain is and
has always been governed by a Queen and King chosen through a line heritage
rather than being voted into office by the people of England. Though they
cannot choose their King or Queen, every four years or so the people elect a
new James Bond. He’s kind of like the secretary of defense, Benjamin
Franklin and Tom Cruise all rolled into one.

The teacher puts his head in his hands and starts sobbing.

PEER 2
(whispers)
Hey Melvin I heard you take it in the brown if you know what I mean.
(whips dodge ball at Marvin)

PEER 1
(whispers)
Hey I heard your mom had sex with a homeless guy.
(whips dodge ball at Marvin)

PEER 3
(whispers)
Yeah and I heard your mom is a homeless guy.
(whips dodge ball at Marvin)

PEER 4
(whispers)
Your dad molested me when I was seven!
(whips dodge ball at Marvin)

PEER 2 and PEER 4 high five each other.

MR. BROWN
Hey you two I thought I told you yesterday, no high five-ing.
(points to a poster board on the wall that has the class rules, and ‘no high
five-ing” is on the list.)


PEER 4
Sorry Mr. Brown.

PEER 2
(whispering to PEER 4)
Oh man that was wicked!

PEER 4
(whispering)
True story; he went more than three knuckles deep.

MARVIN
(disgusted)
Why would you tell me that?!

PEER 4

Technically that’s a fisting.


CANCER BOY
(whispers)
Oh yeah well I heard when your mom went to Disney Land she screwed the guy
in the Mickey Mouse suit.
(whips dodge ball at Marvin)

PEER 2 high fives CANCER BOY. Suddenly CANCER BOY’s nose starts bleeding
from the impact of the high five.

CANCER BOY
Ouch! Cancer hurts!

MR. BROWN
God damn it Steven what did I tell you?! I’m writing you up for this.

The bell rings signaling the end of the class.  All students get up and
exit.

TRANS INTO:

INT. SCHOOL HALLS- AFTERNOON


Marvin walks along the hallway looking sad. He gets to his locker stops and
as he opens the combination he over hears some girls at a locker near by.

PREPPY SLUT
(to friend)
Did you check out that kid with cancer?

NIKKI
Yeah, he got, like, totally hot.

PREPPY SLUT
I need to get a piece of that. You know, before he dies.

CANCER BOY, PEER 1 and PEER 2 approach Marvin as his back is turned to them.
The three are trying to be stealthy but finding it nearly impossible with
CANCER BOY’s squeaky wheel chair.

CANCER BOY
(grabing Marvin’s underwear and lifting up but not very far due to the
height restraints due to being in a wheel chair.)
Wedgie!!!

MARVIN
(startled, but more confused)
Yeah… kind of I guess.
CANCER BOY
(to PEER 1 and PEER 2)
Lift me!

The PEERS lift CANCER BOY out of his wheel chair so that he can give Marvin
a super wedgie, pulling the underwear so high up that it gets pulled over
his face and only his mouth is visible. The three head down the hallway
together laughing about their accomplishment. Jimmy approaches the scene and
notes to himself that his brother has underwear over his face and is
embarrassed.

JIMMY
Why are you- no. No, never mind, I don’t really care anymore. Who were those
girls just now, those girls by your locker?

MARVIN
Which girls?

JIMMY
The slutty looking girls.

MARVIN
Which one?

JIMMY
The sluttier of the two.
MARVIN
That’s Nikki Carol. She’s in my grade.

JIMMY
Nikki Carol? Damn it!

Jimmy walks out of the scene and then Marvin shuts his locker and continues
walking sadly down the hallway, his underwear still over his face.

CUT TO:

INT.  THE HOUSE- AFTERNOON


The phone’s ringing.

BOB
(to the wife) Don’t answer it! It’s probably just that crazy bitch again.

THE WIFE
But it might be my parents!

BOB
So either way it might be a crazy bitch.

The wife gives Bob a dirty look and answers the phone.

THE WIFE
(into the phone)
Hello? No he isn’t for Christ’s sake he’s still in Iraq. What do you mean
‘am I sure’? You know what? Maybe you should just stop calling here.
(slams the phone down on the receiver)

BOB
Told you so. I’m leaving for work now.
(He grabs a bag out of the refrigerator that, written in black permanent marker reads: ‘Bob’)

THE WIFE
At 3:30? I don’t understand why your work schedule varies so much.

BOB
Yeah but what can you do.

Bob exits as Marvin and Jimmy enter. Jimmy heads straight to his room.

TRANS INTO:


INT. BASEMENT- AFTERNOON


Jimmy comes down the stairs and is engulfed by a cloud of pot smoke. Baker
and Ryan are already downstairs smoking weed out of a bong and watching the
crocodile hunter movie.

BAKER
I mean a stingray? Come on now that’s a little far fetched don’t you think.
I mean the dude made a living wresting crocodiles and shit, and he gets killed by a stingray? I don’t buy it.

RYAN
So what are you, like, suggesting. What’s your point? I’m not following you.

BAKER
Think about it man, when he died a bet his DVD sales went through the roof.

RYAN
You think Steve Irwin faked his own death to sell more DVD’s?

BAKER
Exactly. Just like 2pac, and Jim Henson.

JIMMY
(interrupts)

Give me that!

(snatches the bong from Baker)

You no longer need to hit this.


BAKER
Just you guys wait and see. I bet you in three years he’ll be collaborating
with Jeff Corwin on something and they’ll just tell everyone it’s unreleased
material. Just like Biggie and Pac.

-ON THE TV
Credits to the Crocodile Hunter movie reveal that it was produced by Suge
Knight.

Jimmy sits down


JIMMY
That girl I was telling you about-

RYAN
-the slut?


JIMMY
Yeah, her. She’s 15.

BAKER
That’s too bad man.

JIMMY
Her name’s Nikki Carol.

BAKER
(laughs)
Nikki Carol? Um…

RYAN
(to himself)
This just took an interesting turn.
(nudges Baker, Baker just looks confused)

JIMMY
Do you know her?

BAKER

(as if Jimmy’s asking a stupid question)

Well yeah.


 JIMMY
So what’s up with her, what’s she about?

BAKER
(makes eye contact with Ryan)
Well for starters she’s ja-

 

RYAN
(elbows Baker hard in the stomach finishes his sentence)

She’s just one of those crazy vegan broads;
she doesn’t eat skittles, doesn’t eat cheese. No jello, no fur kind of
crazy. I think she works at the subway by at the mall, if I’m not mistaken.

JIMMY
Over next to Bull’s Eye?

RYAN
Yeah it’s all in the same plaza.

 


JIMMY
So… you guys hungry? Want to go get some food?

RYAN
You look like you want a sub Jimmy.

BAKER
(becomes alert)
Wait! So we’re going to the mall?

JIMMY
Sure.

BAKER
(ominously)
And so Nick Baker finally makes his return to the mall.

Jimmy and Ryan give Baker a confused, weird look.


BAKER
(he grabs a plastic grocery bag from nearby)

Ok, I’m ready. Let’s go.

CUT TO:

INT. BAKER’S VAN- ON THE WAY TO THE MALL

Jimmy is driving Baker’s van, Ryan is in the passenger seat. Baker is in the back of the van shitting into the plastic grocery bag.


JIMMY
No man this is going to far. I refuse to participate in this.


BAKER
Just shut up and keep driving.

 

RYAN

Must you keep harassing them?

 

BAKER

Hey man, they started this.

RYAN

That smells fucking awful.

 

BAKER

Quiet man, I’m trying to concentrate!

 

JIMMY

Careful, sharp corner ahead!

(Jimmy cuts the wheel sharply to the right)

 

BAKER

Oh dear lord!

 

CUT TO:

 
     
Free the World
 
Episode 1: Part 2   
04:30pm 17/01/2008
 

INT. THE MALL-AFTERNOON

Jimmy, Ryan and Baker walk into the mall and immediately at the entrance are
a group of boy scouts, doing some fundraiser or another. Baker runs up and hurls the bag of diarrhea right above the boy scouts, it explodes on impact.
BAKER
FUCK YOU, YOU FAGGOT HATING…QUEERS!

Baker runs back to join up with his friends who’ve walked up to the Subway,
not much further into the mall.

JIMMY
(quietly to his friends)
Ok, I think I’ve got a plan. It’s fairly risky, it could either go very
good, or very bad.

BAKER
Well what is the plan?

JIMMY
I’m going to show her my penis.

RYAN
(huge grin)
Good plan!

BAKER
Jimmy that’s not a good idea. How’s that going to work?

JIMMY
No, no you don’t understand, I’m going to do it in a romantic way.

BAKER
(confounded)
You’re going to romantically show her your penis?

RYAN
Brilliant!

BAKER
No, he can’t do this. Ryan we can’t just let him do this. This is wrong.

RYAN
Just trust me on this one. Shut up, ok?

JIMMY
Just watch. Everyone order food.

The three friends approach the counter. Nikki is working the cash register
and two other employees are working the line.

All three order food and sit down at a booth to eat.

JIMMY
(to Ryan)
Give me your meat.

RYAN
(mocking)
You give me, your meat.

JIMMY
Stop it! I’m not trying to be funny, now give me your salami.

Ryan takes some of the salami out of his sub and hands it to Jimmy. Jimmy
stuffs the salami into his own sandwich, takes a bite, spits it out and then
walks up to Nikki.

JIMMY
(clears his throat)
Excuse me, I ordered a veggie sub and look what I found in it!

NIKKI
Ew gross!

JIMMY
Can I get a new sub, I’m a vegetarian.

NIKKI
Me too!
(yells to the back)
I need a veggie sub, NO MEAT on the fly.

JIMMY
I just-uh, love animals so much. Wouldn’t want to eat them ya know?

NIKKI
Awww. I have 10 cats.

JIMMY
Yeah, um. Me too actually.

NIKKI
Really?

JIMMY
Yeah! Oh yeah. Mm-hm. Yup.

NIKKI
Here’s your sandwich.

JIMMY
Thanks.
(turns around to leave)

NIKKI
Hey wait! Don’t you go to my school?

JIMMY
You know I thought you looked familiar. Hi, I’m Jimmy.
(shakes her hand)

NIKKI
My name’s Nikki, it was nice meeting you.

Jimmy smiles and turns to head back to his table, Nikki smells the hand that
she used to shake Jimmy’s hand.
NIKKI
(sniffing hand, making a disgusted face)
Is that salami?

Jimmy sits down at the table.

RYAN
You’re such a little girl, I thought you said you were going to show her your dick.

JIMMY
Just wait and watch. Well maybe, don’t watch but wait and see!
Our view is changed to that of Ryan and Baker’s expressions, which, as they
watch whatever it is that Jimmy is doing, changes from confused to disgusted
to slightly amused by the time everything’s said and done.

JIMMY
Ta da!

Ryan and Baker are speechless. Jimmy gets up from the table and walks over
to Nikki, the sub sandwich held awkwardly in front of him with both hands.

JIMMY
Excuse me Nikki. Once again, there’s meat in my sub.
(he opens the sub sandwich which reveals that his penis, which is covered in
veggies and Italian dressing, is inside it)

NIKKI
(smiles, covers her mouth to stop from giggling.)

JIMMY
So do you maybe want to get together some time?

NIKKI
(laughs)
Yeah, maybe I do.

Next to Jimmy waiting to pay is an 82-year old woman who stands just barely
4 feet tall, she stares at Jimmy with her jaw dropped in shock.

JIMMY
Really? (in his excitement he drops the sub and then looks over at the old
lady, who is now standing eye to eye so to speak with Jimmy’s marinated
member.) Oh shit! (Jimmy then realizes his penis is out he puts it back in
his pants in a hurry flinging one of the penis tomatoes on to the old lady’s
glasses.) I think I had better go.

The tomato slides down the senior citizen’s glasses on to her face and then
drops onto the floor and the lady is still frozen in shock.

NIKKI
Seems like a sound plan.

JIMMY
I’ll talk to you at school tomorrow?


NIKKI
Yeah, find me.

JIMMY
I will!
(runs off and Ryan and Baker follow after him)

Our focus stays on the old lady who grasps the railing next to her, and than
clutches at her heart.

OLD LADY
Penises!
(And with that the old lady collapses on to the ground and dies.)

Nikki looks shocked, a subway patron sees the old lady fall and gets up and
shouts into the mall.

SUBWAY PATRON
(cupping his hands around his mouth and shouting)
HELP! WE NEED A MEDIC! HELP!

In virtually no time at all a group of boy scouts are on the scene trying to
resuscitate the senior citizen. One boy scout leans over and gives the woman
mouth to mouth. From out of nowhere a shoe soars through the air and hits
the young man that is performing CPR right in the face. Baker can be seen in
the background holding his middle finger in the air.

BAKER
FACISTS!
(he takes off running)

CUT TO:

INT. MARVIN’S ROOM- NIGHT


Marvin is once again consulting with his pet turtle. The turtle is sitting
in a very tiny puddle, which is all that is left of his water supply.

MARVIN
I’m not going to school tomorrow Leonardo, I just don’t think I can take
much more of it really. I’m going to fake sick I think. Tomorrow is Friday
so then I won’t have to go for three more days after that since Monday is
Labor Day and all. Well good night.

(He turns off the light and hops into bed, once more turning on the TV)

CUT TO:

INT. PARENT’S BEDROOM- MORNING


The alarm clock is going off and it’s flashing 11:00am. Bob’s hand reaches
over and smacks the snooze button. Bob rolls over, climbs out of his bed and
puts on a robe. From the top of his dresser he produces a Black and Mild He
proceeds to pull a porno magazine out of the inside of his robe and begins
flipping through it as he exits his bedroom into the hallway.
                                                                                                                        TRANS OUT:
TRANS INTO:
INT. HALLWAY-SECONDS LATER


Bob walks down the hallway and steps on a fully cooked chicken leg in the
hallway. It may appear as though the chicken leg might have been spat on as
well.

BOB
What the?

Bob resumes reading his smutty magazine and walking blindly from the hall
into the living room                                                                        

                                                                                                                        TRANS OUT:

TRANS INTO:

INT. LIVING ROOM-SECONDS LATER


Without paying attention at all, Bob sits on the couch and right as his hand
is about to slip off into the contents of his boxers, he notices Marvin
sitting on the chair to his right watching him.

BOB
Is today Saturday?

MARVIN
No Dad, it’s Friday.

BOB
Then what the hell are you doing home?

MARVIN
I’m sick Dad. I threw up in the hallway.
BOB
(doubtful)
Threw up?

MARVIN
Yeah.

BOB
That’s not vomit in the hallway, that’s a full leg of the chicken your
mother cooked last night for dinner. Oh, and maybe a little bit of spit.
What are you skipping school for huh? Are you drunk?

MARVIN
Are you drunk?

BOB

(squints eyes, touché Marvin, touché)
I’m not sure. Why are you skipping class?

MARVIN
Ok there’s this bully at school Dad, and he won’t leave me alone.

BOB
That’s not how we deal with problems in this family and you know it. Listen
Mason, when I knocked up your mom, and she refused to get an abortion, what do
you think I did? You can’t just run from your problems forever some times
you just have to marry those problems and just hope that the problem dies
before you do so you can resume your life were you left off all those years
ago. Oh and get a vasectomy.

MARVIN
What? Marry my problem?

Bob continues reading his smut

MARVIN
(light bulb)
Out live him! Your right dad! All I have to do is out live him!

Bob ignores his son completely and shows Marvin the centerfold.

BOB
If your Mother looked like this there’d be a shit ton more of you, I mean
sweet Jesus! Get dressed I’m taking you to school.

CUT TO:


INT. SCHOOL HALLS- AFTERNOON

Marvin is at his locker.

CANCER BOY
Oh faggot, INCOMING!!!

A dodge ball smacks into the back of Marvin’s head at neck-breaking,
face-smashing speeds. It knocks his head into his locker so hard it knocks
him down. He scatters to get to his feet and then, in anger confronts Cancer
Boy.

MARVIN
You know what cancer boy? You make me hate coming to school more than
anything else. More than the awkwardness, more than the crappy bagged
lunches my dad packs for me and even more than the creepy janitor who likes
to pat me on my “little tight ass”.
(makes quotation marks with his fingers)
And at first my dad told me I should marry you, but after that he told me I
should just outlive you, and when it comes down to it you only have a matter
of weeks you stupid jerk.
(Marvin turns and walks back over to his locker and opens it leaving Cancer
Boy looking shocked)

PREPPY SLUT
(over hearing this, and then speaking to Cancer Boy)
Speaking of which, can I get your phone number soon?

CANCER BOY
Why of course! One moment please.
(he turns to face Marvin who is shuffling through his locker angrily)
So you want to marry me now you queer?
(He whips a dodge ball at Marvin causing him to smash his face into the
locker once more. Cancer boy pulls out a pencil and begins taking down the
girls number against a locker)

PREPPY SLUT
555-1212

CANCER BOY
1213?

PREPPY SLUT
No 1212.

Cancer boy turns the pencil around to erase the mistake he made at exactly
the moment that Marvin has risen and retaliated against his nemesis. Marvin
hurls the ball at the back of Cancer Boy’s head causing the pencil to imbed
itself about three inches into his eye.

CANCER BOY
(screaming like a girl)
Ahhhhhhhhhh! AH! AH! Ahhhhhhhhh!
(Cancer Boy leans forward accidentally hitting the button that thrusts his
motorized wheel chair forward. Cancer Boy begins speeding down the hallway
flailing his arms, screaming and careening into various onlookers and
lockers.)

Nikki enters from the left and Jimmy from the right, both witnessing what
just took place.

NIKKI
(to her shocked, preppy-slut friend)
Ew you’re going to date a kid with no eye?

Preppy slut picks up the paper off the ground with her phone number on it
and eats it.

PREPPY SLUT

No I wasn’t, what are you talking about?


JIMMY
Hey Nikki, what are you doing now, do you have any after school plans?

NIKKI
What’d you have in mind?

JIMMY
People watching?

NIKKI
(bites lip)
Yeah, ok. Let’s go.

They join hands and exit, walking past Marvin who’s being led into the
principal’s office by his arm.

CUT TO:

INT. LIVING ROOM- AFTER SCHOOL


THE WIFE picks up a magazine and begins reading. The cover shows a picture
of Mel Gibson and states “Mel Gibson doesn’t watch  The View”.

THE WIFE
(throws the magazine down in disgust)
The nerve of that man!

Marvin enters both his parents stand up and yell at him.

BOB
Expelled? Good God now I have to deal with you every Friday? Oh no, and
Monday also, oh and Tuesday! Dear lord and Thursday!

THE WIFE
What the hell’s the matter with you? Marvin what were you thinking?

BOB
GO TO YOUR ROOM!

Marvin exits to his room.

BOB
(to the wife)
Well start looking up inner city public schools.

THE WIFE
Oh Marvin why do these things always happen to you?

BOB
Because god hates homosexuals why else do you think that Brokeback Mountain
didn’t win?

THE WIFE
Because Ang Lee also made that crappy Incredible Hulk movie.

BOB
Can’t it be both?

The wife exits into the hallway.

THE WIFE
(From the hall)
Oh damn it! Who vomited in the hall?

 

CUT TO:

INT. MARVIN’S ROOM- AFTER SCHOOL

Marvin is once again talking to his turtle.

MARVIN
Well Leonardo, at least I don’t have to deal with that stupid Cancer Boy any
more. Man people with cancer are such jerks, they all think they are better
than everyone just because they can wear hats in class and not get yelled
at. I don’t need friends anyways, all I really need is you Leonardo!
Goodnight!
Marvin turns the light out and gets into bed.

CUT TO:

INT. THE BASEMENT- LATE AFTERNOON

Ryan, Baker, and Jazzy Mike are all sitting around smoking pot, we interrupt
the middle of Ryan explaining to Jazzy Mike the incident at Subway the day
before.

RYAN
-the tomato slides down her hairy little 90-year old woman chin, and drops
to the ground.

Everyone starts cracking up.

JAZZY MIKE
I wonder if my sister works with this girl Jimmy is going after? That is
classic though.

BAKER
Yeah his junk smelled like banana peppers the rest of the night.

Jazzy Mike shoots baker a sideways glance.


                                                   
CUT TO:

EXT. A GRASSY HILL OVER LOOKING A CITY- DUSK


Both Jimmy and Nikki have binoculars and are people watching from a far.

JIMMY
Ok, ok look at that guy right there, looks like a Caldian Ziggy kind of
doesn’t he?

NIKKI
(laughs)
Yeah! I totally see him.

JIMMY
Ok see those old ladies?

NIKKI
The really old lady and her grandma?

JIMMY
Yeah, those ones. The shorter one looks like she died three years ago, and
they just forgot to tell her.
(cupping his hand to his mouth and shouting)
Hey you there, the cemetery’s that way!

Nikki leans over and kisses Jimmy and then proceeds downward to give him
oral sex.

                                             The end.


FADE INTO:

 

EXT. GAS STATION- DAY

 

At a very busy gas station the wife walks up to a pump and begins filling her gas powered dildo as people stare at her.

 
     
Free the World
 
D.A.R.E.   
12:37pm 12/11/2005
 

                                                          

PART 1Collapse )
 
     
1 Votes Against Bush Free the World
 
A list   
04:13pm 14/09/2004
  To get things accomplished you need to list them, I am finding out. So here is my writing "To-Do" list:

Untitled Screen Play: Synopsis: This is a story about a family of three slowly failing, and falling apart in the wake of a Mother's death. Two siblings in turn, take up drugs to deal with their loss. Each has to battle his own drug addicition.

"Unsettling Amphetemine": Short Story/Novel Project: An overweight outcast, alone in the world takes history into his own hands as he follows the crooked career of the President of the United States through a webzine.

Random Story ideas....

1. Replacing Caffiene with Psilocybin.
2. "Birds and the Bees", What would happen if insects began eliminating their entire species at an attempt to destroy the human race.
3. Rubix cube drug....Futuristic drug story... Powerful sedative/hallucinogenic, 1/6 users die...yeah....

Ok, ok. So I base a lot of my shit on drugs, so what? A garbage man would write about garbage, not brain surgery...hmmmmm....







4. A garbage man performing brain surgery....j/k
 
     
1 Votes Against Bush Free the World